Dragon Babies

Do I post?  Do I not post?  Do I post?  Do I not post?  I seriously debated on this one, but, at the end of the day, this blog is about our life and experiences in Hong Kong, both good and bad, happy and sad.

The past few weeks have been some of the saddest during our time in Hong Kong, immediately preceded by the happiest. 

I'll start by saying that for those of you who are learning about this for the first time here, we hope you understand.  While we were excited about our news and wanted to sing it from the rooftops, we followed the advice of most pregnancy books and kept our little secret to ourselves for the most part while things developed.

With that introduction, it's no secret anymore: Brian and I found out that we were pregnant on April 23rd.  I had just returned from a business trip to Germany, and was so excited to take the pregnancy test that I did not go to the bathroom for the last 6 hours of my flight, just to make SURE that I could effectively pee on the stick.  What a special moment.  After just a few minutes, Brian and I saw the sign that would change our lives forever.  We both just looked at each other, cried a little, and hugged.  We couldn't believe it.  We waited until what we thought would be a somewhat reasonable hour to be awake in the US, and proceeded to wake up each and every family member in our immediate families with the news.  I suppose this wasn't such a bad thing; better to be woken up with exciting news than bad.

It's an exciting year to be pregnant in Asia.  By the Chinese Zodiac, it's the Year of the Dragon, and, in this culture, it's considered very good luck to be born under this sign.  This is creating some problems in the hospitals though, as SO many women are pregnant that there is not enough room for all of them to give birth.  Next year, the Year of the Snake, is not such a great zodiac, so the hospitals will be less full, and all the things downstream, such as daycare space and classroom sizes, will not be as much of an issue.

We spent the next weeks excitedly preparing for the little one.  We talked a lot about the future, what this means for us, and how having a TCK (third culture kid) would be.  We took pictures of my "development" every week, and, I can honestly say, while there was no growth in my belly, other parts of my body certainly responded quicker than others.  ;)  We discussed baby names, and I even made a baby name spreadsheet (does this really surprise you??).  Brian kissed our "baby" good night every night, and we recorded videos every week as a gift for our baby for the future about what was happening in our life and how mom and dad were feeling.

Fast forward to two weeks ago... we went into the doctor for our first scan.  I should have been at about 7 weeks, and we hoped to see the flicker of light that was our baby's heartbeat.  We didn't see that, and what the doctor told us wasn't promising.  He said we were "measuring small" for our estimated due date.  We tried to stay positive, but that taxi ride home was a somber one.  I had a test that day and later in the week to measure my pregnancy hormone levels, which were luckily increasing (good sign), but not by the levels they should have been (not good sign).  The doctor recommended resting, and we scheduled another scan for 10 days later. 

Wednesday of this past week, we went in for that scan.  Brian had given our baby a pep talk every night, urging the little one to grow!!  I felt nervous all day, but approached the appointment with a hopeful heart.  When the doctor started the scan, we knew.  No flicker of light.  No heartbeat.  The doctor gave us a minute after he left the room, and I tried to hold back the tears, because I knew once they started, they weren't going to stop.  We proceeded to the doctor's office, where he told us about our options.  To be honest, I don't remember a word he said.  It was great that Brian was sitting there as well.  He was my rock that day.  The doctor asked us to schedule a follow up for the following week, but when we walked out into the waiting room of happy Asian women pregnant with their Dragon babies, I absolutely fell apart.  Brian made the appointment while I tried to find a place where I wouldn't be the conspicuous white woman totally making a spectacle of herself. 

The next thing we had to do was probably the hardest.  Having to "un-tell" people is not easy.  We had told our immediate family and a few friends, and, while it was hard to have this conversation, we are so thankful that we had shared our news with this small group.  The support that we have received is beyond words. 

The doctor recommended that if a miscarriage did not naturally happen, that at a certain point, we should schedule a D&C to remove the pregnancy.  We scheduled this for today, Thursday, the 31st.  I did this for two reasons 1) it had been over a week since the scan with no signs of the miscarriage happening on its own and 2) I have to travel to Jakarta for work next week and the thought of having a miscarriage while being so far away from home was beyond my comprehension. 

People ask about the medical care in Hong Kong, and, I have to say, it's top notch.  The doctor who we are seeing is professional and straightforward.  The hospital where we had the procedure done, Matilda Hospital, was the nicest one I have ever been in.  It's at the top of "The Peak" - if you have been to Hong Kong, you know what I am talking about.  We had a million dollar view from our room, and the chef there used to work at the Ritz, so the food was amazing (and, boy was I hungry after not being able to eat before the surgery).  Everything went well with the surgery, and, while we are still sad about losing the baby, it is nice to have some closure rather than being in this time of limbo.  The men at work have a saying they like to use - "you can't be half pregnant" - meaning, you are either in or you are out.  Well... this past week it did feel like being "half pregnant".  It's tough to be still feeling pregnant, when there is really not a baby coming.  I'm very much looking forward to feeling back to normal again.

I have to say, having the partner that I have has made this all just a little easier.  I thank my lucky stars every day for Brian.  Before I had met Brian, my friends all told me that when I found the one, it would be easy.  It was tough to see that through some of the hard times that I had, but in the end, they were right.  Every day with Brian is just another new adventure, and we get through both the good times and the bad ones with such love.  Waiting for Brian was so worth it.  The right one is the one that holds you when you are crying, makes you the grilled cheese sandwich when you are feeling weak, tells you that you are still gorgeous even though your body has changed and there is now no reason for it, and quietly returns the precious dragon baby charm that he had purchased for Mother's Day because you can't bear to look at it anymore.  He is more than I could have ever hoped for in a husband, and I know that he will make a wonderful father someday.

Are we okay?  We are getting through it.  Like any time when something tragic happens, it takes time for processing.  I have my good days and my bad ones.  The positive news is that we ARE capable of getting pregnant, and it's only a matter of time until we have a healthy pregnancy.  Thank you for all of the positive thoughts and prayers.  It means more to us than you know.

Looking forward to in-person hugs as we travel through the US in just a few short weeks.  Much love to all!